Here’s How You Like To Be Spoiled, According To Your Zodiac Sign


(March 21st to April 19th)

Your lover rents a private suite at a high-end local hotel. The suite is equipped with a heart-shaped hot tub that has soothing whirlpool jets. Your lover has also thoughtfully provided some scented bubble bath salts that are rich in minerals to make your soak even more luxurious. He gets the hot tub going and fills it to the brim with bubbles, hands you a glass of fine wine, and excuses himself to go take a shower before joining you.


(April 20th to May 21st)

Nothing makes you feel wanted and loved more than an unexpected delivery of your favorite fresh-cut flowers, whether that means roses, irises, or Lilies of the Valley. In an often drab and dreary life that’s filled with humdrum chores and routine tasks, a bright floral splash added to your living space is like that scene in The Wizard of Oz where everything that was in black-and-white suddenly explodes in color.


(May 22nd to June 21st)

You’re usually the one that makes breakfast, so it’s a delight for you to stay in bed with your bed hair and your morning breath as your lover rustles you up a piping-hot breakfast with your favorite juice and a warm mug of coffee fixed just the way you like it. Then, after all that lovingkindness just after waking up, who could blame you for being in the mood?


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

What wins your heart and makes you feel special is waking up in the morning to see that he left a handmade romantic greeting card on your car windshield. Then when you go to work, you’re surprised to find that he’s ordered your favorite lunch to be delivered to you. And when you get home, you find a package from eBay; inside is that rare CD you loved as a kid but have been unable to find ever since. It hardly cost him anything, but he went out of his way just to find it for you.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You want to know that you’re the last person he thinks about before going to sleep and the first person he thinks about when he wakes up. And you’re not just satisfied with a “good night” and “good morning.” You love the fact that he always includes pictures of kittens and tells you that one day there will be no need for nighttime or morning texts because you’ll always be sleeping in the same bed.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You’ve lived in the same place and had the same job long enough that nothing breaks the monotony better than just throwing caution to the wind, taking five minutes to pack a bag, and hitting the road for somewhere that’s completely different than what you’re used to. Whether that’s the mountains or the beach or the city or the country, when someone springs a surprise road trip on you, it feels like an Instant Christmas.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Most of the time you like being in control, and what self-aware modern woman doesn’t? But every so often you like to strip down to your soul, lie motionless on a warm table, make yourself completely open and vulnerable, and have someone run their hands over all your sore muscles from top to bottom, rubbing out every knot and kneading out every ball of tension. It’s hard for you to relax and give yourself up to someone else’s hands, but once you relax, you never regret it.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

What makes you feel special is having either a family member, a close friend, or a lover listen to you without offering advice. You aren’t seeking advice. You can figure out your problems, thank you very much. You just want someone to empathetically lend an ear until you’ve vented all your frustrations and feel at peace. Why is that so hard to find?


(November 23rd to December 21st)

Nothing makes you feel more like the homecoming queen or the belle of the ball than having someone you love prepare a home-cooked meal made from scratch featuring everything they know you love, from your favorite appetizers your favorite main course to your favorite beverages to your favorite dessert. They often say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach—that goes double for you. If he can cook your favorites foods they way you like them, he’s a keeper.


(December 22nd to January 20th)

Love songs make you cry, and nothing makes you cry tears of joy more than having your special someone give you a one-man solo concert, just you sitting there and just him singing your favorite songs while looking straight in your eyes. Love songs never sound better than when your lover sings them to you in private.


(January 21st to February 18th)

Anyone can send a text or a Facebook private message. What warms the cockles of your heart are love letters—the old-fashioned kind. Written by hand over pages and pages, each word detailing how much they love you and can’t live without you and didn’t really feel fully alive until they met you and how it would crush them to ever lose you. You can’t hold a Facebook message in your hand. You can’t smear the words in a text with your teardrops. You adore getting love letters, which is why you keep them all in a private box under lock and key.


(February 19th to March 20th)

You are the most overworked and underpaid person you know, so nothing makes you feel better than being allowed to sleep all day while someone does all of your chores for you. Let them cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Let them take the phone calls and answer the emails. Let them go to the pharmacy and post office on your behalf. Their rewards will be rich when they finally join you in bed.

This Is Why He Honestly Couldn’t Love You, Based On His Zodiac Sign


(March 21st to April 19th)

He couldn’t love you because he didn’t want to slow down his life for a relationship. Relationships don’t require settling, but in his world they do. He doesn’t want to give up his spontaneous way of life for a day-to-day routine that becomes familiar and eventually old. He wants things to remain new and exciting, and he thinks relationships get boring.


(April 20th to May 21st)

He couldn’t love you because he was scared to get attached. His heart has been broken before, and he’s slow to open up because of it. He won’t let you completely in because he’s afraid of getting hurt, it really has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him and his inability to let someone fully love him.


(May 22nd to June 21st)

He couldn’t love you because there were too many uncertainties. He’s extremely indecisive and it seems like he never truly knows what he wants. It will take him a long time to figure it out, and you’re most likely not willing to wait around. He’s not into labels and real commitment because he’s scared one day he’ll wake up and realize he doesn’t actually want to be with you, and if you’re not ‘official’ or a ‘real couple,’ it’s easier for him to pull away.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

He couldn’t love you because he’s insecure. He put you on a pedestal that you knew you didn’t belong on, and he constantly felt like you deserved a man far better than him. He didn’t feel good enough for you in more ways than one. It killed him to think that you were settling, and it also made him feel terrible about himself. He just didn’t have the confidence to be with someone like you.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

He couldn’t love you because he loved himself entirely too much, and there was little to no love leftover for you. He wanted you to treat him like a king. He made your entire relationship about himself, and you have to admit it was exhausting. He couldn’t love you because he couldn’t give you the same love he gave to himself.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

He couldn’t love you because he was entirely too hard on himself. He felt like he wasn’t smart, attractive or secure enough for you and he self-sabotaged your relationship because of it. His expectations for himself were far higher than yours and he couldn’t love you because he didn’t understand that you were fine with him for who he was already, and he didn’t have to change or do anything more to satisfy you.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

He couldn’t love you because he knew he needed you too much. He wanted you around all of the time, and he became entirely too attached. You had a life of your own and you felt that he should to. Your relationship made him feel like a complete person, and it made him realize he doesn’t know who he really is without you, and that terrified him.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

He couldn’t love you because he didn’t know how to trust you. He was jealous and possessive, but he couldn’t help it. Nothing was ever enough for him. You had to do too much to prove your love, and no matter how much you did, it’d never be enough to make him certain that your love was true.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

He couldn’t love you because he wanted too much freedom. He wanted to travel and explore and live life the way he wanted to live it without any consideration of what you wanted. He wasn’t willing to compromise his way of life to make you feel more secure and loved.


(December 22nd to January 20th)

He couldn’t love you because he didn’t make your relationship a priority. He likes to have complete control of his life and the things he spends his time and energy on. He is a very focused person. He’s serious, he just wasn’t serious about you and your relationship.


(January 21st to February 18th)

He couldn’t love you because he’s afraid of his emotions. Emotional expression for him is like swimming through wet cement, he just can’t do it. You tried to get him to open up to you and he wouldn’t budge. There’s only so much you could do. He let the fear of love prevent him from letting it in, and that’s not your fault.


(February 19th to March 20th)

He couldn’t love you because he had this grand idea of what your relationship should be, so grand that neither you or him could ever live up to it. He was a romantic and he wanted to sweep you off of your feet, but after he did that he wanted the relationship to remain in a fairy tale state, and it just wasn’t realistic. He was never a realist and he imagined a love that was too great for him to give to you.

The Bestselling Book You Should Read This March, Based On Your Zodiac Sign


Aries: March 21st – April 19thThis bestseller is about a husband and wife who are torn apart early on in their marriage after he is arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. It’s an interesting take on what a marriage can endure and whether you should eternally fight for the love of your life or give up once you’ve reached a certain point.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th

This is a powerful bestseller about an unarmed, innocent teenager being shot by the police. It’s going to make you cry early on, especially since something so tragic is so close to reality, so have your tissues ready.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th

The movie is coming out soon, so you should read the book before watching the story on the screen. The main character is A, who wakes up in a different body every single day. A is used to the temporary, but after falling in love, everything changes.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd

Yes, this is a children’s book. No, that doesn’t matter. This bestseller is about a street magician who runs away from home, finds new best friends, and saves the town using their own special skills. (Bonus: Since NPH is so damn clever, there are secret codes throughout the pages for you to crack.)

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd

This bestseller is about a group of children who are brutally ripped away from their parents and forced into heartbreaking circumstances. Although it’s a fictional story, it’s based on the real scandal at the Tennessee Children’s Home Society.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd

This bestseller is about a wealthy family who vacations on their private island. You have to be careful about what you believe, because there are a lot of lies hidden inside the pages.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd

This bestseller is about a teenage girl (turned detective) who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder. Even though she struggles with her mental health, she tries her hardest to be the best person she can be — but it isn’t all smooth sailing.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st

When a group of five high school students get detention, but only four of them make it out alive, they all get questioned in a murder investigation. This is a classic who dunnit with a modern twist.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st

This one is about a rock star who buys a ghost on the internet. It sounds silly, but it is actually terrifying. If you love horror, you’ll love the way Joe Hill writes.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th

This bestseller is about a young girl named Quincy who was the sole surviver in a massacre. There are other final girls like her — except all of a sudden, they keep showing up dead, and Quincy worries she might be next.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th


In this classic book, Bradbury imagines what might happen if the people of Mars and the people of Earth ever meet. Even if you aren’t the biggest fan of science fiction, you will enjoy watching the short stories weave together into one larger tale.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th

This bestseller is about a woman who refuses to leave her house, so she gets her entertainment by watching the neighbors. After seeing something suspicious through her window, the police get involved and drama ensues.

Zodiac Signs Ranked By How Much They Hate Being Told What To Do


When someone tells you to jump, you don’t ask, “How high?,” you sit down and cross your arms defiantly. When someone politely asks you to lower your voice, you start shouting at the top of your lungs. When you see a sign stating that the speed limit is 65MPH, you purposely slam on the gas pedal until you’re speeding well over 90. You don’t listen to what anyone tells you to do, even if it’s for your own good. They might as well be talking to stone.


It’s your way or the highway, and you are prone to throwing tantrums if you don’t get your way. Neither rhyme nor reason nor common sense can overcome that mountain of stubbornness, that giant battleship of implacability, that is your personality. It’s a good policy—when you’re right, that is. But when you’re wrong, you always wind up learning the hard way.


You, little baby, are prone to pouting if you can’t call the shots. You would rather fail on your own terms than succeed on someone else’s. And hey, look, no one’s criticizing you for being headstrong or for having a solid sense of yourself—those are all good skills for surviving in life. But if you had a little humility and listened to others’ well-meaning advice every once in a while…if you were willing to consider that sometimes people have more experience in certain areas than you do…you might realize the benefits of trading in a little bit of your ego for a little bit of others’ wisdom.


You’re like the little kid that keeps asking “Why?” You need to take out the trash.“Why?” Because it’s unsanitary to leave it around the house. “Why?” Because scientists have determined that when trash is left to rot, certain unhealthy microorganisms start growing on it, causing several potential health hazards to humans and their pets. “Why?” JUST TAKE OUT THE FUCKING TRASH!


It depends on how much you like the person who’s telling you what to do. More specifically, it depends on whether you’re sexually attracted to them. In that case, you’ll do anything. You’ll become their willing love slave. You’ll follow them to the ends of the earth and make a fool of yourself just for their approval. But if you aren’t attracted to them, you won’t do a thing they tell you to do.


Reverse psychology works wonders on you. Since you consider yourself empowered and woke and in control of your body and mind, you absolutely hate when others tell you what to do. But over time, they’ve realized that if they actually want you to go to the concert with them, all they have to do is say, “I don’t want you to go to the concert with me.” Bingo, immediately you buy tickets for both of you to the concert, thinking you’re being assertive but not realizing you’ve fallen for their trap.


For you, it’s not a matter of being told what to do, it’s exactly what it is that they’re telling you to do. If they’re telling you to spread false rumors about their best friend, they might as well choke on air. But if they’re telling you that your best friend is feeling insecure about your friendship and thinks that you hate her and that maybe you should reassure her, you take their advice and patch things up with your friend immediately. So you’re stubborn, but only when someone’s trying to tell you to do something that you don’t personally feel is right.

8. LEO

You know what you want and what you don’t want, and most of the time you’re quite happy carving out your own path in life. You don’t like when people tell you to do things “for your own good,” because most of the time they have no idea what’s good for you and they’re only projecting their own biases and prejudices onto you. But if someone presents a novel solution to a problem, you’re humble enough to consider it.


These are the people you will listen to when they tell you what to do: Your mother, your BFF, your current boss, and your next-door neighbor from childhood who always gave you good advice. These are the people you won’t let tell you what to do: Your father, your exes, your former bosses, and all male advice columnists.


You don’t necessarily mind being told what to do—in fact, you’re always seeking advice from people with more expertise than you have. If you notice a suspicious mole, you’ll take a picture of it and send it to your doctor friend. If you have a legal issue, you’ll ask your lawyer friend. But if someone tells you to change your hairdo because it’s out of style, you’ll purposely keep that style for the next fifty years.


You don’t mind being told what to do. It doesn’t faze you in the least. Whether or not you actually do it is another matter, though. Most of the time, you won’t. But that’s due more to the fact that you just don’t like doing things in general and has less to do with being told to do them. It’s more a matter of laziness than belligerence. Sorry—just being real here. No need for you to get up off the couch and start yelling at me, dear.


You are so agreeable and compliant, it’s a little annoying. There are robots that are more willing to disobey orders than you are. On the surface, this is an admirable trait—we’d have a much more harmonious society if everyone just went about doing their assigned tasks without bitching about it. Then again, we’d have a society of robots rather than human beings. But the problem, darling, is that sometimes when people tell you what to do, it’s beneficial to them and harmful to you. All I’m asking is for you to be a little more assertive and make yourself #1. You’ll thank me later, I swear.

The Best Way To Convince Your Ex To Get Back With You, Based On Their Zodiac Sign


(March 21st to April 19th)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to not convince them at all. An Aries values their independence, even when they truly want to be with you, they still like the chase. If you grovel to an Aries they’ll never get back with you. Let them have their space and pretend like you’re perfectly fine without them, and they might just end up reaching out to you.


(April 20th to May 21st)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to apologize and tell them they were right. A Taurus always thinks they’re right, cater to that quality when trying to get them back. They want to know you’re sorry for what you did wrong, and that you’re able to own up to it. And then they want to see what you’re willing to do to prove you actually mean it.


(May 22nd to June 21st)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to make them smile the same way you did when you were dating them. Do something that will allow you two to share memories and laugh. Something that will remind them of all the happy times you had in your relationship, something that will make them miss that and want it back. To convince a Gemini to get back with you just make them remember how fun you are.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to talk to their friends and family. Ask them for advice. Tell them that you miss your ex and that you messed up. The Cancer is extremely close to their family so chances are they’ve told them whether they miss you or not. You’ll be able to tell whether they’ve completely trash-talked you, or whether they can’t stop whining about how they wish the two of you were still together.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to tell them how wonderful they are, and how terribly you messed up. The Leo loves to be complimented. If you really want them back, feed their ego as much as you possibly can. Tell them how beautiful, smart, or good in bed they are, and how much you miss all of those things. They’ll be wary of your flattery, but they’ll eventually eat it up.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to be friends with them. The Virgo needs to be friends with you before they romantically date you, and when you break up, that same cycle has to repeat itself if you want them back. They need that trust to build back up gradually. The Virgo doesn’t play around. They’re cautious with their feelings and their heart, and they’ll take as much time as they need to insure that you won’t break their heart a second time.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to spend as much time as you possibly can with them. The Libra needs someone who will be by their side, someone who is always there for them. When the two of you broke up, you weren’t there. Be there for them now, and show them that you’re worth a second chance. They’re happy when they have someone to keep them company. If you want the Libra ex back, show them that they’re not alone and never will be.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to make it seem like a challenge. Whether you like it or not, the Scorpio enjoys the thrill of the chase, and any challenge you give them they’ll want to overcome. It’s not easy to win back the heart of a Scorpio, but if you play your best cards, you might be able to do it. It’s unfortunate if you hate playing games because that’s exactly what it takes to get the Scorpio ex back with you.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to give them enough freedom to be on their own, but to touch base with them just enough to make them think about you. The Sagittarius does not like to be limited by their partner, so when they break up with someone they’ll want their own space. Give them that space, but also remind them that you’re still around and that you’re here for them if and whenever they may need you. Be distant enough to make them miss you, but not distant enough to make them think you’re completely out of the picture.


(December 22nd to January 20th)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to make them weigh the pros and cons, and to make sure the pros tip the scale. The Capricorn is practical and there’s reasoning behind everything they do. If they’re going to get back with you they need to know you will be worth it, and they’ll only know that from what you show them. Show them how you’re worth it, don’t just talk about it.


(January 21st to February 18th)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to bond with them over your past in a meaningful way. Aquarians are deep individuals and they like to form deep connections with their partners. Make them remember the connection you two used to have and they’ll be more likely to crave that connection back. Recreate a beloved memory, take them somewhere you’ve been in the past, a place you both love. Try to recreate the connection you two once had by making them remember the happy times of your relationship.


(February 19th to March 20th)

The best way to convince your ex to get back with you is to come clean. Let them know every little thing you’re thinking, every little emotion you’re feeling, anything and everything that’s on your mind. The Pisces needs a partner who is open and honest, especially about their feelings, so you need to leave all hesitation behind and become an open book. Let them know there’s no more hiding or pretending and show them the real you.

This Is The Main Thing Wrong With Your Personality, According To Your Zodiac Sign


(March 21st to April 19th)

There are four things you can’t live without: air, water, food, and lying. You lie to make yourself look better, you lie to make others look worse, you lie to get yourself out of trouble, and you lie to get others into trouble. You lie like you breathe.

Suggestion: Take a deep breath and stop lying. People would like you a lot better if they could trust you.


(April 20th to May 21st)

Yes, you promised to lose weight this year, but when’s the next time you’ll get a chance to order a slice of cake with butterscotch frosting? And sure, you vowed to save money, but there’s nothing wrong with blowing $300 on pair of jeans that make your ass look that good. You promised yourself you’d quit arguing on the Internet, but they criticized your makeup—in front of the whole world!

Suggestion: Step back and wait a few moments the next time you feel compelled to do anything that will make your life worse.


(May 22nd to June 21st)

Did you see that guy—the guy who just cut you off in traffic? Who the hell does that guy think he is?!? You were driving safely and obeying all laws, and he nearly drove you off the road! Does he think he can just get way with that? Oh, he fucked with the wrong girl this time! Let’s hope we both get stuck at a red light, because you have a clawhammer right under your seat.

Suggestion: That guy is rushing to the hospital because his wife had a medical emergency. It has nothing to do with you. Calm down.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

The reason they say that pride goes before a fall is because you hold your nose so high in the air, you don’t see that you’re about to walk off the side of a cliff. You can’t admit being wrong, you don’t like taking orders, you think you’re far better than you actually are (sorry, hon, but look up “Dunning-Kruger effect”), people don’t admire you nearly as much as you think they do.

Suggestion: Listen to your friends, especially when you don’t want to listen to them, because that’s the sign that they’ve hit a nerve and have a point.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Out of all the zodiac signs who are reading this article at the moment, you are the only one who is currently asleep. When you wake up and finally read this, the other signs will be out building houses and learning languages and doing yoga and lifting weights. After reading this, you will grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and open Netflix on your laptop.

Suggestion: Get up every morning at 6AM and run a mile. Do it for a month. And that’s where you start.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

Did you really have to eat the last donut? You know he wanted the donut. He asked you to leave the donut for him when he got home from work. And to be fair, he was the one who bought the donuts. Via text message, you promised him that you would save him the last donut. You could have eaten the apple. Or the avocado. But instead, you ate the last donut. This is worse than when Eve ate the apple.

Suggestion: Every once in a while you should realize that it’s better to make others happy than to yield to every temptation. Next time, leave him the last two donuts.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Yes, everyone realizes you feel like you did nothing wrong, but they all disagree with you. As you see it, this is a free country, and if you want to show up to your aunt’s funeral in short-shorts and flip-flops, that’s just a healthy expression of your own personality and style, which is exactly why your aunt liked you in the first place. Sure, everyone else was in formal dress, and yeah, maybe you offended your uncle, but you’re not going to apologize, not in this life or the next.

Suggestion: Apologize for wearing short-shorts and flip-flops to your aunt’s funeral. C’mon.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Boy, life dealt you a rough hand, didn’t it? You’ve been through pain and rejection and trauma and heartache that no one else will ever come close to understanding, which is why you have so much trouble with friendships and relationships—they just can’t understand. No one will ever understand what you’ve been through? How could they? They’ve had easier lives than you have.

Suggestion: They understand perfectly. They understand that you feel sorry for yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

Your great failure in life—if you choose to yield to it—will be the fact that you’re too scared to take risks. After all, when you take risks, bad things can happen. People can get hurt. You can fail. You can think badly of yourself. But you fail by default for not even being brave enough to take risks. You’d rather experience nothing at all than experience something bad.

Suggestion: Life is shorter than you think. The only thing you’ll regret as your life nears its end is being afraid to do everything you always wanted to do.


(December 22nd to January 20th)

Do you want to be independent, or do you want to get married and have kids? Do you want excitement, or do you want stability? Do you want to live deep in the heart of the city or way out in the country? Do you want to answer, like maybe even one of these questions?

Suggestion: Life comes at you fast. One wrong turn and you can get lost forever. Decide on what you want and pursue it.


(January 21st to February 18th)

You are your own worst enemy. You sell yourself short. You are better-looking than you think you are—everyone says so, but you won’t believe them. You are smarter than you think you are—at least that’s what the test scores say. People admire you far more than you ever suspect they do.

Suggestion: Don’t go getting cocky or anything, but we all feel you’re pretty damned great. Quit beating yourself up.


(February 19th to March 20th)

It sounds like a weird personality flaw to have—especially since it’s your worst one—but girl, you’re far too loyal. You cut people way too much slack. You forgive them when they don’t deserve it. You stick by them when they need to be abandoned. And although your intentions are good, you’re the one who winds up getting hurt.
Suggestion: If you know in your heart that they won’t be loyal to you, don’t be loyal to them.

Zodiac Signs Ranked By Who’s Most Likely To Have A Dirty Mind


Your mind is like a TSA full-body scanner—you undress people with your eyes the moment you see them. You wonder what they’d be like in bed, whether it’d be plain and boring or wild and kinky, how often they have sex, how strong their sex drive is, whether or not they smell nice, how old they were when they lost their virginity, how good they are at oral, if they’ve given and received anal (and whether or not they used lube), how many sex toys they own, how frequently they masturbate, whether they’d be willing to do it with you, and, of course, whether you’d be willing to do it with them. And this is all before you’ve had a chance to say “hi” and shake hands. After you’ve had a chance to meet and talk with them is when your thoughts really get dirty.


The minute you start to get bored—which is every minute of every hour of every day—your mind starts to wander. As luck would have it, it always wanders straight toward sex. It’s like there’s a software filter inside your head that translates everything into porn. You could be sitting there in your kitchen on a sunny day eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and suddenly you’re thinking about a three-way with the cable guy and his hot teenage son. You could be filling out tax forms while wondering what it’d be like to live on an island with an entire football team. That’s right—just you and an entire football team. On an island. Naked. In the sun. And then when the IRS audits you, all you have to do is tell them about your fantasy, and they’ll forgive your mathematical errors. And even while you’re there at the IRS being audited, you wonder what it’d be like to clear the agent’s desk of all paperwork and just do it right there.


You find hidden meaning in things that have absolutely no hidden meaning. I’m not sure whether anyone ever told you this, but sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber. Sometimes riding a horse is just riding a horse. Sometimes eating a popsicle is just eating a popsicle. Sometimes getting vanilla ice cream all over your face is just getting vanilla ice cream all over your face. And sometimes when a muscular motorcycle cop wearing leather boots and mirrored sunglasses pulls you over, it’s only because you were speeding. Sometimes…


Most of your waking hours are filled with things such as work and exercise and paying bills and heating up Pop-Tarts in your toaster, but your dirty mind switches on the minute you close your eyes and fall asleep. You regularly have vivid, epic sexual dreams complete with orchestral soundtracks and high production values involving multiple partners and scenarios across the globe throughout history. It’s said that Helen of Troy’s face launched a thousand ships, but your sexual dreams caused both World Wars. Sometimes you’re shocked at how dirty dreams are. Other times you’ll take a sleeping pill just so you can skip past the Coming Attractions and get right to the Main Feature.

5. LEO

You’re not always thinking about sex, which is good because you have a lot of responsibilities and it’s not exactly convenient to pleasure yourself at the grocery store, especially when there’s already a spill in one of the aisles. But there are certain sensual triggers—such as the smell of vanilla or cinnamon, a warm spring breeze, or the loud hum of cicadas in the forest late on a summer night—that turn you into a complete sex-crazed animal. You could be stuck in geometry class learning about sines and cosines, but if you suddenly catch a whiff of cinnamon, you might need a whole roll of paper towels to mop up the mess.


Well, it all depends on how you define “dirty,” doesn’t it? Let’s say it’s summertime at a secluded waterfall deep in a rainforest somewhere near the Equator. It’s just you and the guy you’ve been lusting after for years. Neither of you has a stitch of clothing on, and you’ve been luxuriating in the warm water all afternoon. He pulls his glorious body out of the water and basks in the sunlight on a rock. After he’s entirely dry, he reaches down and beckons you to join him on the rock…and so you do. You’re both entirely clean from swimming all afternoon, so there’s absolutely nothing dirty about what you’re going to do next.


It’s not like you’re obsessed with sex or anything, because not only are you a career-oriented woman, you also have several hobbies and charitable activities that take up much of your free time. You enjoy good conversation and are a sucker for a good sitcom. You are open to all kinds of opinions, even if others find them unsavory or downright unacceptable. Everyone who knows you speaks well of you, and you’ve never been in trouble with your family or the law. Despite all that, did you see the BULGE in the bicycle delivery guy’s pants this morning?


It’s not that you don’t have sexual fantasies, and it’s not that you don’t have them very frequently, either. Your mind drifts toward sex just as often as anyone else’s. It’s that your fantasies are a little…how can I say this…boring? You realize that missionary position is only one of many possible angles, right? And sometimes it’s not how good-looking someone is that makes them good at sex, but it’s that little bit of mischief in their eyes that tells you they’d be down for anything. Sometimes good-looking people are like mannequins in bed, while people with a huge flaw like a missing tooth or a well-placed facial scar that can be absolute monsters in bed. So I’m ranking you low on this list not because your mind isn’t dirty, but because it’s not very creative in its dirtiness. Up the kink factor, and I’ll move you up on this list.


You have a healthy sex drive—so healthy it could kill you if you don’t watch out. But I can’t say you have a dirty mind, because the moment you meet a hot guy—and I mean, so hot the skin will peel off your fingers if you just rub his face—the first thing you think isn’t how much you’d like to mount him, but whether he’d be a good boyfriend. Whether he’d be honest with you. Whether you could count on him to bring you hot chicken soup when you’re sick in bed. Whether he’d remember your birthday and the anniversary of the day you met. Those are the important things. Sex is just the dessert.


Like your namesake the virgin, you mostly think clean and wholesome thoughts that you wouldn’t be afraid of speaking out loud, even in church or in front of a live TV audience. Most of your thoughts are as harmless as mayonnaise on white bread with a side of peppermint soda. But there’s that one very special dirty fetish of yours…right? That absolutely filthy, shocking, lurid, bawdy, depraved, debaucherous fantasy you’ve had since you were young…right? You know exactly what I’m talking about, right, you dirty, dirty girl?


You keep your mind out of the gutter…until there are a couple of drinks in you. Most of your conscious life involves thinking about things such as love and family and justice and fairness and world peace. You think people are too divided today and that we need to find some common ground before we destroy one another. There is too much hatred and misunderstanding and misdirection and distraction. Did you realize that if the top 1{da98e796ff253ab21784d6d15b52f5f89ad4dda093e04c545ca8dbabfb7a221f} gave away only 5{da98e796ff253ab21784d6d15b52f5f89ad4dda093e04c545ca8dbabfb7a221f} of what they own, we could feed and house everyone in the world? And then you slam down a couple vodka & tonics, and suddenly you’re standing naked on top of a piano. In a motel lounge.


Who needs to have a dirty mind when you’re always having sex? That’s like thinking about food while you’re eating. Or like thinking about cars while you’re driving. Or like thinking about books while you’re reading. Your mind is for figuring out math problems and deciding on political issues; your body does all the rest. You don’t need a dirty mind, you insatiable little minx, because you live a dirty life.

A Preview Of What Your March Will Look Like, Based On Your Zodiac Sign



March 21st – April 19th

As an Aries, March is looking to be a month filled with deep thoughts. You will be in touch with your emotions, able to assess these emotions in unbelievable measures. Your senses will be sharp, keen, and on point. This could also be a downfall for you, Aries. Being so in tune with your emotions may make you overthink things at times. This month, you may let negative emotions get the best of you. Maybe you didn’t get the job you wanted, or your crush doesn’t like you back, and that might cause you to feel depressed or unhappy. If you properly balance out your emotions, you’ll avoid letting them get you into sticky and unfavorable situations.


April 20th – May 20th

March is a month of recognition. Within yourself and within others as well. You will finally be able to see what it is you really want out of life. In the past, you’ve had difficulty deciding what you wanted, which always held you back from going for whatever it is. This month you will feel a new sense of inspiration. You will feel motivated to plunge towards something you’ve always dreamt of having. And so long as you put the work in, you will receive whatever you desire.


May 21st – June 20th

As a Gemini, the month of March will force you to be extra paranoid. You may feel as if the entire world is out to get you at all times, and you can’t figure out why you’re such a target. You may throw yourself a couple pity parties in the process, too. Gemini, the longer you feel sorry for yourself, the longer you will suffer. Throw away that negative attitude and look at the bright side of things. You are no stranger to darkness, but instead of letting it consume you, let it inspire you.


June 21st – July 22nd

As a Cancer, March is a month of welcoming the new. You may have recently made some major life adjustments that have been hard to get used to. March is the month of embracing new, exciting things and letting go of the old things that held you back. You’ve worked long and hard on a personal endeavor, and now it’s time you reap the benefits of all that hard work. You are about to encounter a major breakthrough in not only your professional life but in your personal life as well. Get ready, big things are headed your way!


July 23rd – August 22nd

As a Leo, love may come knocking at your front door in March. Passion is in the air, and it’s hard to ignore. If you meet someone that isn’t totally your type, don’t completely rule them out just yet. Sometimes you push people away if they don’t fit into a certain category as being your ideal partner. This month, you will get the chance to connect with somebody on a very deep, raw level. They may be far from your usual go-to “type,” but that doesn’t make the connection or intimacy any less significant. Trust your gut on this one, Leo. It will never steer you in the wrong direction.


August 23rd – September 22nd

This month you will feel confident and sexy. You may have a new lover in your life, serious or not, they are totally into you. You don’t need a relationship label to know that they are totally head over heels. Your newfound confidence attracts this person like a magnet, and you’re feeling better than you ever have. Use your assuredness to make minor improvements to yourself so that they will last long term. This month gives you a chance to build yourself into the person you have always longed to be.


September 23rd – October 22nd

As a Libra, March is all about change. You will change major aspects of your life, very suddenly and abruptly. You will be outspoken, and say whatever the heck is on your mind. People will be baffled at this new, uncensored you, but it’s something you’ve longed to do for quite some time now. You’ve held back every little thing you’ve wanted to say in the past, and now is time to let it all come to the surface. Speak your mind, but also remember to always remain mindful.


October 23rd – November 21st

You are full of inspiring and creative ideas this month, Scorpio. March is shaping up to be an excellent month for you. One thing you must be mindful of is letting others influence your mood. You let negativity tear you down in the worst way, and it drastically impacts your overall mood. This month, a particular person may try and bring you down to their level, but don’t let them. Don’t give in this time, and keep that positive attitude flowing and you will have everything you will ever need.


November 22nd – December 21st

This month will invite you to some incredible, unimaginable places, Sagittarius. You will feel as if the world has offered you a chance of a lifetime, and you cannot resist the adventure. But, think about long-term effects this endeavor could have on your life. It may be a quick fix for the rut you’ve found yourself in lately, but it may cause more damage down the road. So be mindful of this. It is very important, and your distant future relies on it.


December 22nd – January 19th

Your talents are going to shine during this month, Capricorn. You are especially talented in something that you rarely get to show off. But, this month will be different. You will finally be recognized for that amazing talent and get the opportunity to utilize it to the absolute fullest. You will be creative, intuitive, and bold. Capricorn, it’s almost time for you to grab March by the horns!


January 20th – February 18th

The whole month of March is your month to sparkle and shine, Aquarius! You will be the life of the party, and people will be jealous and wary of that. Do not let these people dull your shine. Be the bold, badass person you are and don’t worry about how that will affect others. You are going to thrive in all parts of your life during this month. You will have fun, make money, hold onto love, and most importantly find new ways to love yourself even when the rest of the world is telling you not to.


February 19th – March 20th

For the Pisces, March will be all about reevaluating your life. You will take time to sit down and ask yourself what it is you really want out of life. Are you on the right path? Are you making choices based on what you want, and not what somebody else wants? Are you doing things every day that truly make you happy? You will reflect on the chaos you’ve endured over the last year during this month, and it will help push you to make some changes you should have made a long time ago. Change is good, Pisces. Embrace it.

5 Reasons A Pisces-Virgo Pairing Is The Best There Is


Ah our sweet fish, Pisces, the visionary lovers of the zodiac. Gentle, dreamy, naturally empathic –their feet are rarely tethered to the ground and it’s not uncommon for them to get lost in whatever fantasy they’ve concocted. When you think about who to pair a Pisces babe with, it’s hard to picture anyone more different than a Virgo, the analytical perfectionist. Virgos are impossibly hard workers with meticulous routines, often thrown into major anxiety when just one thing is off. But this pairing excels BECAUSE of their drastic differences. …And I say this as a Pisces who has loved Virgos, both platonically and romantically, my whole life.

Here are just a few reasons why this union is so great.

1. They make each other better people.

Our Virgo doesn’t always see the best in situations or people and, as a result, grows easily frustrated. Our Pisces, on the other hand, happily gives second chances and never assumes someone has bad intentions. Virgo sees how genuinely kind Pisces is and is touched. Our Virgo gets the chance to step away from their critical eye and see what Pisces sees, an imperfect world that is beautiful regardless.

As sweet as Pisces can be, they are not always the hardest workers. They give into laziness and are content to self-sabotage if a situation feels Too Hard. Pisces sees Virgo and how hard they work every day no matter if they are up to it or not. Pisces sees that hustle and strives to be a bit more like their Virgo partner, to put some muscle into things. They are inspired to try instead of give up.

2. They excel where the other lacks.

Let’s be real, Pisces doesn’t really have great organizational skills. Virgo has an itinerary laminated on the back of their daily planner. Pisces is bored by details. Virgo lives for them. This is just ONE example of how well they work.

3. They intellectually stimulate one another.

Despite their differing perspectives, this pairing loves to lose themselves in deep conversation together. While Virgo leans on the analytical side and Pisces the creative, they have deep admiration for what the other thinks and could spend hours just talking.

4. They share a strong, emotional connection.

Virgos are sensitive, they just don’t let on. They tend to walk around with a guard up, but don’t be fooled, they have a lot of feelings. Pisces is very comfortable with emotions. They aren’t turned off by crying (they kinda like it). They seek to create vulnerable connections. Virgo comes to see this in Pisces and knows they won’t be judged. Virgo lets go and lets Pisces in. This lends itself to a beautiful relationship founded on real. ass. shit.

5. They’re mutable signs.

Simply put, they can change. They recognize the value in growth, both together and individually. Even at their most stubborn, they’re aware there is good in trying new things. They are open to what might come. And that’s such a wonderful trait to share.

Zodiac Signs Ranked By How Likely They Are To Step On Your Heart


Worst of the worst. Falling in love with a Scorpio is like falling through a trapdoor. They will sting your heart in a million little places and let it slowly bleed out. They are the type that will laugh in your face as you cry. As you start crying harder, they will start laughing harder. They are sadistic little demons who can’t control their mean streak, so avoid getting into romantic entanglements with them at all costs. However, if you’re just looking for sex…


I don’t want to hurt your feelings here, but Capricorns don’t care if they hurt your feelings. They will gladly rip your heart out of your body and toss it in the waste can. They play with your heart like a cat toys with a mouse, just happily slapping it around the carpet with their paws. You may be able to change them, but it may take decades, because they can be stubborn AF


GRRRR! They can be such JERKS! They will pummel your heart as ferociously as an up-and-coming boxer hits a punching bag. Why do they hurt you? Because they can. Because you let yourself be vulnerable. Don’t let your guard down around an Aries until you’re sure you can trust them. And even then, be a little bit wary. And it’s not like I’m speaking from personal experience or anything. I swear.


When they’re done with the relationship, they will snuff out your heart like a lady in high heels snuffs out a cigarette on a dirty city street and just walks to the nearest diner to get a cup of coffee. Virgos aren’t complete unfeeling monsters, because they’re plenty capable of feeling pain—that is, about themselves. But they couldn’t care less if they dumped you and left you a sobbing mess. To them, that’s your problem.

5. LEO

As brutal as they can be with your feelings, they’ll never admit it. That’s the worst thing about a Leo—they pretend they don’t know how vicious and mean they really are. If you’re in the middle of an argument and they bring up that nasty thing your mother called you as a kid, their attitude is, “Hey, damage was already done, I’m not saying anything new, quit acting all butthurt.’ It would be better, and would hurt far less, if they just flat-out admitted they were intentionally stabbing you deep in your guts.


If you’ve only committed misdemeanors in your relationship and not felonies, a Cancer isn’t likely to get vengeful or insulting when the two of you finally go your separate ways. For example, if you were just incompatible and there wasn’t much passion, they can break up amicably. But if, say, they were head-over-heels in love with you and you wound up sleeping with their best friend during that one fateful drunken night at the shore, they will push every button they know will hurt you and try to ensure you never emotionally recover. So don’t step on their heart, and they are likely to leave yours alone. Otherwise, prepare to have your heart stomped flat.


They’ll step on your heart not because they’re malicious but because they’re clumsy. It’s purely unintentional. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, sure, but I’ll cut the Gemini a little slack here due to their lack of malice. They’re not mean, they’re just stupid. They’re not even technically inconsiderate, because that would imply they have the ability to be considerate. They’re generally lost in their own world and make their own decisions about their own lives and are always genuinely surprised if it harms someone else—especially someone they claim to love.


For the most part, Sags are loyal partners and generous lovers, and every once in a while you’ll find a keeper that you’ll want to escape to a desert island with and sleep on hammocks with and eat coconuts with for the rest of your life. But whether or not it works out between the two of you, a Sag isn’t usually the type who’d post pictures of them with someone new the day after you broke up, even if they’re actually hanging out with that person the day after you broke up. They lived in your heart for a while, and like a considerate tenant, they left everything tidy rather than messy.


An Aquarius, no matter how badly you’ve betrayed them, would never do anything on purpose to hurt your feelings. If it’s time to split and your romance can’t be fixed, they’ll just take your heart, wrap it up in a box, tie it with a bow, hand it back to you, and walk you to the door as they show you the way out of their lives. They’ll even give you a kiss on the cheek and wish you well.


Bullish in matters of business, they are gentle doves in matters of the heart. If you fall for a Taurus and somehow it doesn’t work out, they have a magical way of leaving you feeling wiser and stronger and grateful…rather than angry and weak and hateful.


They’ve been hurt before—badly. They also have a conscience, so they have vowed to never hurt anyone that badly. Things can go wrong in romances, and people can eventually drift apart no matter how much they love one another or wish to be together, but a Libra will never wrong you to the point you feel like punching them or slashing their tires. When things are finally over, you won’t even wish them harm.


They don’t have a mean bone in their body—that’s right, even their bones are kind and considerate! A Pisces will let you down so easy, it feels like you’re falling slow-motion into a field of marshmallows. It’s almost as gentle as setting a butterfly free. Don’t get me wrong—a Pisces may break up with you, but they will never break your heart.

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